Blag *Blog Your Way to the Top

Are there any habits of 'successful' bloggers that we should actually be following?  Well, I have been observing the blogging bubble for a while now and I'm offering you some top tips on how to blog your way to the top.  Buckle in babes... 

 

  • Calling yourself a blogger

Don’t get caught up worrying about domain names, building websites and writing content.  That nonsense is a thing of the past and far too much work.  Simply sign up to Instagram, add a picture of your morning coffee, one of the flowers you bought yourself in Tesco and one of you laughing while looking left.  TA DA – you are now ready to call yourself a blogger! 

 Sitting in front of a blank screen

Sitting in front of a blank screen

  • Blogger mail 

This is what blogging is ALL about.  You have only ‘made it’ once freebies start coming through your letterbox.  The important thing is to make sure to share that you have received mail, or no one else will know.  To do this, you need to video ‘unboxings’ and hashtag #bloggermail.  This will remind people that you are not a BLAGGER, but in fact, a professional and trendy blogger.

 #Ipaidforthismyself 

#Ipaidforthismyself 

  • Don’t pay for a thing  

Want something for free?  Easy.  Simply tag the brand in your Instagram stories saying that you have run out of a particular product or would like to try a product and voila, they might just send it your way.  And don’t worry, because you’ve sounded BREEZY AF no one will notice that you are trying to blag because blogging hasn’t worked.

  • New post on the grid  

So you’ve just posted a new picture on your grid, but the likes aren’t coming in thick and fast like you’d hoped for.   Well silly, that’s because you haven’t told your followers that you have just posted a new photo on your Instagram grid.  How to do this?  Screengrab the pic you’ve just posted, add it to your Instagram stories, scribble over it (you NEED to keep your followers in suspense) and tell them that, “There’s a new post on the grid!”  Now wait and watch as the thousands of likes and comments come rolling in.  The extra effort is worth it.

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  • Question time

If you post a new pic and one person asks you a question about it, i.e. “What colour is your lipstick?” Make sure to take to Instagram stories and mention that you have had LOADS of questions about the colour of your lipstick.  Heck, even if no one asks you a question, just say it anyway!  That way you sound popular!  (Side note – don’t forget to tag the brand, or you won’t get it for free!) #bloggermail

 

  • It’s all about the numbers

The more followers you have, the more free shiz you get.  So if people aren’t following you there are a few things you can do.  Firstly, start commenting on random people’s pictures with something like “Nice profile!”  Secondly, you need to be going on a likeathon every day – like as many photos as possible.  Finally, get the credit card out, because it’s time to pay for adverts!

 

  • Organic Followers  

What are organic followers?  Who the f#@k cares when you can buy them all from Brazil!  It’s a number game baby – more followers = more blogger mail.

 

  • Surprise holidays

Booked a holiday?  Great…now time to keep it a secret for the next six months.  To be portrayed as the ultimate jetsetter, you only show people that you’re travelling when you arrive at the airport (just get a shot of your passport, suitcase and feet).  Even at this stage, it is VITAL that you don’t tell anyone where you are going.  The next shot is from the airplane window.  The final pic is the big reveal – get the best angle from your hotel pool, cocktail in hand and Sandra the holiday rep well out of shot.

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  • Budget Bloggers

Need new clothes for OOTD posts, but also need to buy food every month?  No problem.  Just order clothes online, wear them for a photo shoot and then return them.  I recently ordered a dress that had a black ribbon looped all the way from the neckline to the leg slit, so that when I initially tried it on, it showed diagonally across the dress.  These sneaky ribbons are a fashion blogger’s kryptonite.  Avoid at all costs, because if you remove them, hunni you are paying for the dress!

 Sometimes I pretend to be a fashion blogger for funnies

Sometimes I pretend to be a fashion blogger for funnies

  • I’m engaged! 

You are building a following, but that following needs to be engaged AF or you will be lost in the dreaded Instagram algorithm.  Now it’s time to create a cult.  What better way to do this than make a plonker of yourself and then ask your followers to do the same.  For example, post a video of you dancing in the rain, hashtag it #drizzledance, and ask people to tag you in their drizzle dances.  Watch as people all over the nation ruin their blowdrys, in hope that you will share their videos in hope that they receive followers in return.

  

  • Nothing to declare

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) states that by law, bloggers have to declare whether a social media or blog post is a paid advert or promotion (#ad, #sp, #spon, #sponsored) or an affiliate link (#aff, #afflink).  The best way to approach this is to ignore it completely, or if you want to stick to the rules you can always add the teeniest, tiniest #ad to your Instagram stories, making them barely visible to the human eye.  Best to hide it in the bottom corner too!

 

  • Funemployed

Whatever you do, do NOT give people the impression that you have a full-time job.  Your aim here is to look like a socialite, so that your followers can aspire to have a life like yours.  The last thing people want to see is your 3pm meeting with Alan from accounts.  During your working day, try to upload old photos of you having a great time.  Perhaps with a laptop, a gorgeous view and a simple #todaysoffice

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As always, I write from a light-hearted (and sarcastic) place.  Sometimes I like my own photos, which is probably as bad as all of the above and worse than laughing at your own jokes (which I also do).  This blog post isn't targeted at any blogger in particular and I am not pointing fingers, I just wanted to highlight that being genuine is worth so much more than being another blogger-bot.  I follow accounts that I love, but I hate to see blogs following the same pattern as everyone else.  100 genuine followers is worth SO much more than 10,000 purchased ghost followers.  Buying followers is shallow and it doesn't make you #instafamous.  

In the famous words of the gram...you do you, hun!

Fi x